Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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