Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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