I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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