Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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