I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
