i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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