Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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