I think my fart just growled at me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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