I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
