I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
