So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
