I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
