Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
