please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
