I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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