My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
