The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
