Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
