The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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