i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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