He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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