Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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