Are we in a gay sports bar?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
