I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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