they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
