I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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