have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
