I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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