i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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