This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
