Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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