Define "chronic" masturbator.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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