I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
