I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Moan for me like Helen Keller
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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