Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
