Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize