She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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