I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize