Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
