If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
