Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
