and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
