I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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