You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
