Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
