You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
