I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
