be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
