if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
