me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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