so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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