Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just threw up on my dentist
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
