so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
