OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
