just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
