Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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