god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize