We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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