I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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