I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
