"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
