They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
